Advice -- Separation Anxiety

[BListTrace]

Our confident and people loving first grader has developed an inconsistent and sudden case of separation anxiety at school and when going with other members of our family, friends and their families.

Has anyone else experienced similar situations or have any advice?
Thanks for your consideration!

Tracy

[sartek]

Greetings BListTrace,

This question has been on my mind since I first read it a couple of days ago. It just brings about a bunch of other questions for me. You know the usual, what's changed between the outgoing child and this more anxious child? New school? New grade so new work, bigger workload than last year? A new self-awareness - I could actually be lost, be abandoned, be kidnapped, die, etc. (not that you would do that stuff, but they don't know that ;) ) ? Who is new since before this started - new friend, visit a new friend's house, new family friend? When did the anxiousness start? Right after the school year started, after a particularly hard day in class? Has someone died who was a family member, or even a distant friend of the family? Stuff like that.

I remember being afraid to leave my Mom right about 1st grade. I had just had a new self-awareness growth because my brother died shortly after the school year started. All of a sudden I realized I could die or worse yet my Mom could die. Who would take care of me when that happened? I only knew how to make peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, but what would I do when I ran out of that stuff? I'm all better, now. All of these questions have answers ;) !

Now, I don't think anything this big has to have happened to trigger separation anxiety. But who knows what thing may have happened along the way that seems small to us but huge to your first grader. Anyway, just a thought. As you can see, I don't have any direct experience with another human being, so no thoughts on how to help without more information (which I don't need to have, of course :) ).

post with you later,

sartek

[BListTrace]

Thanks, sartek! I appreciate your insight and questions. I'm going to roll these things around in my head some more this afternoon and post a longer response later. My partner and I have sorted through some of this stuff already but you have some good ideas building off of those things. We also are figuring out how to approach it and questions we need more information on because I'm going to take him to his pediatrician tomorrow to get some guidance from him. He's a great doc so I'm confident will figure some things out.

Thanks again! I appreciate your time, thoughtfulness and consideration!

Trace

[Upstate]

Well, I would start by giving him a treat everytime you leave and then again when you return. Let him know it is a positive thing. Use simple verbage such as "be back" so that he knows you are not leaving him forever and that you will return. Change the words a bit to speak to the amount of time you will spend away.
To socialize him with other people. Take him frequently to crowded areas, parks, stores that allow it...encourage others to pet him and pass him around...reinforce that he is not in danger with comforting words...raise the octave of your voice a bit.
When you return...don't act too excited or raise your voice too high...sometimes that can cause accidental "peeing".

That's all I got for you. I'm just a simple dog owner, obviously not fit for child rearing.

Total joke...I'm just end of day screwing around.

- Just for clarity I think Tracy is great and I'm certain her child is exceptional as well and is even better than my dog.

[BListTrace]

Thanks, Up! I better pick up some puppy pads on the way home tonight. That could explain the unusual odor in the front hall! And suggestions for good "treats". He's just a puppy so he gobbles everything you put in front of him and begs for more afterwards.

Oh...and do you recommend chew toys or plushies?

[Upstate]

You are too fun.

I wish you luck with this and I'm certain it will work itself out.

Best

[sartek]

Thanks, sartek! I appreciate your insight and questions. I'm going to roll these things around in my head some more this afternoon and post a longer response later. My partner and I have sorted through some of this stuff already but you have some good ideas building off of those things. We also are figuring out how to approach it and questions we need more information on because I'm going to take him to his pediatrician tomorrow to get some guidance from him. He's a great doc so I'm confident will figure some things out.

Thanks again! I appreciate your time, thoughtfulness and consideration!

Trace

Trace,

Have fun at the pediatrician's office tomorrow. It's good you have a good pediatrician. I would mention that peeing problem, you and Upstate were mentioning! That can be annoying when it happens at other people's homes. LOL!

Good luck with your dog-child. To add to Upstate's ideas, when you come home, listen at the door before going in. If he is barking, wait for a break in the action and then go in so he doesn't think the barking is what brought you home ;) .

post with you later,

sartek

[BListTrace]

Thanks, sartek! I'll let you know what the pediatrician says - he's a keeper.

As for the barking thing...that is going to help many children and dawgs in my house!

Trace

[jennifert]

I noticed with my boys that sometimes their fearfulness, need to be close, occurred during a big time of growth. For example when my little one learned to walk, he simultaneously became clingy. As if realizing, wow, I could get far away, yikes! When my 5 year old began learning to read, play baseball, you know, become a big kid, he also regressed a bit emotionally, needing extra cuddles and becoming a bit whiny. My theory is that as independence increases, my children are simultaneously exhilerated and scared. I always just gave extra cuddles and love and they seemed to come through fine. I notice my intense first son seems to experience any change at all with some emotional volatility, especially anticipation of change. He is big on routine, tradition, the way we always do stuff. Once the change occurs, he actually does just fine. Good luck! Jennifer

[ourtribe]

GOSH, all this chatting got me reflecting on my children and how I handled my OWN seperation with my children when dropping them off at daycare. I remember sobbing around the corner from where I just dropped off my crying child...knowing with MY MIND that I HAD TO get work and my little squirt will be just fine - all the while MY HEART is breaking in pieces wondering if I was doing the right thing... should we (my partner and I) we plan our lives to adjust for one of us to be a 'Stay Home' DAD ?

The facts are: Calling minuites later from work the daycare provider would reassure me that everything was fine and my child redirected and was happy and playing...all the while I can hear children playing and laughing in the background.

I do think that MY KIDs, NOW 3 & 5, do realy well with change. I can't help but wonder if it is in part because we've done the "daycare" thing since they both were 3 months old. There is however definiate age related issues with seperation that seem to POP out of nowhere and then fade away. The 3 year old will at times pull the tantrum, tearful good bye at drop off to daycare. What we have learnt is that talking them through what will be happening and in what time frame frequently works well. "O.K. NOW, Daddy is going to play with you for just this one game, THEN Daddy is going to work. Daddy will be back to pick you up after your afternoon snack...just like yesterday" "O.K.? You understand my words?"

BUT the thing is ALL kids are different, even my TWO. YOU have to constently try to read what the problem is and understand it from there personal perspective and then break it down as best possible in search for a conforting solution.

[jennifert]

Isnt' that the truth! (that every kid is different) Before becoming a parent I had great faith in my ability to shape and influence my child, I fell on the nurture side of the nature vs. nurture argument. I think immediately after my first was born I was astounded to find the little fellow was HIMSELF already! And I am still stupidly surprised when my second son is so different from my first. I think we (parents) are supposed to just try to keep up. It's been fun hearing from all of you.