Struggles with becomeing parents...advice?

[whippetluv]

My partner and I are under 30, we have been togeather for nearly 7 years and we desperately want children. We are a lesbian couple so we hopefully won't need a surrigate..but frozen stuff is NOT working. We have tried for well over 2 years with both at home frozen sperm and in the doctors office using interuteren frozen sperm. Nothing is working. We are not rich people (ha! Note the under 30 comment) and we just can't keep spending a 300 to 500 dollars a try with only a 14% at best chance of having kids. So what works? Do we have to end up saving 10 grand (and never going on a cruise again) to do invetro..or does anyone have any hope for other ways to go about this? Its so hard when you are a family making less than 40 grand a year and you just want a child to raise. We can't afford adoption...and fresh sperm (with no future father included) seems impossible. So tell us...what did you do?:confused:

[Trebster]

My partner and I are under 30, we have been togeather for nearly 7 years and we desperately want children. We are a lesbian couple so we hopefully won't need a surrigate..but frozen stuff is NOT working. We have tried for well over 2 years with both at home frozen sperm and in the doctors office using interuteren frozen sperm. Nothing is working. We are not rich people (ha! Note the under 30 comment) and we just can't keep spending a 300 to 500 dollars a try with only a 14% at best chance of having kids. So what works? Do we have to end up saving 10 grand (and never going on a cruise again) to do invetro..or does anyone have any hope for other ways to go about this? Its so hard when you are a family making less than 40 grand a year and you just want a child to raise. We can't afford adoption...and fresh sperm (with no future father included) seems impossible. So tell us...what did you do?:confused:
You can move to New Jersey, where fostering, and , adopting , as a same sex couple is legal ,(and , welcomed!)- and not just inexpensive- they- pay- you! (the state does, that is).
We did the whole process, an open foster arrangement ( our wish) and now, an open (ish) adoption- and it's been just short of heaven ( the whole process) . Let me know if you'd like to know more.
Rob

[xoxfrankie]

what state are you in? in california you can adopt through the state and it is nearly free to you. you even would receive adoption assistance each month. you may not end up with a brand new baby, but our daughter was two months old when she came home with us.

[cebii]

My partner and I foster/adopt in Texas. The more open you are to race, age and possible disabilities, the sooner you get a placement. We started with teens and after a few years we (including our teens) decided to ask for an infant. A set of twins was placed with us very quickly (less than a month, I believe). It is somewhat complicated and risky because caseworkers, lawyers and judges are all involved. Our first set of twins was adopted by one of their family members and that was devastating. But, less than a month after they left, another set of twins was placed with us and we've just finalized their adoption.

Our match might have gone more quickly than others because we are established and have a good reputation within the system.

This topic also reminded me that there are many glbt kids in the foster care system who need parents. Some of them have trouble being placed because of their sexuality if they are out or obviously gay. Caseworkers are often amazed at how they blossom when placed in a supportive environment. If you can, please help one of these kids!

[bafisher]

I think that you have been given a lot of good advice. I bet just when you feel like every avenue has been used...it will happen.

We were very fortunate. We found gay friendly VERY aggressive RE. We got pregnant with twins on the 2nd IUI. My RE recommended clomid (his theory...we are paying for it...it might as well work :) which we used for 2 cycles, at a very small dose. At the time my insurance paid for part of the office visits and ultrasounds. I think the only thing that they didn't pay some part of was the actual sperm.

If you are anywhere near PA....I would be happy to share his name with you. I would recommend him to anyone :)

[Missy]

My partner and I also struggled with having children. Where do you live? We used to live in the west and know a few ways around the system there, but we are now in the east and have a great fertility center here. You say you have been trying and using frozen, have you done any monitoring or used any fertility meds?

[dogpawstka]

Although fertility analysis and possible fertility treatments can be expensive, maybe those are routes that need to be explored, if you haven't done that already. Another thought, have both of you tried conceiving or just one? Again, it sounds as though you may be experiencing a fertility issue. Another thought, have you visited more than one clinic and more than one doctor? I wish you the best of luck!

[delta12]

check your benefits, my insurance paid for all my diagnostic work to make sure i didn't have any predictable problems before i started IUI (w/ frozen doner sperm). this can save you from wasting money unsuccessfully trying when you may have a simple issue that can be addressed inexpensively. also i took femera (like clomid) it was only abou $25 a month and i dont believe i would have had success without it because i wasn't producing a good sized folicle. we also used an hcg shot ($7) when i had my surge each month to bolster ovulation. my partner and i are expecting after 4 rounds of IUI with these inexpense meds. good luck

[kennylevine]

You may want to look into embryo donation. From what I understand, it's relatively inexpensive (around $2,500 I believe), with a very high probability of success. Believe me, if I had a uterus, I'd be all over that.

[kmoar]

My partner and I were both 32 when we started trying. We started with me but after a year of no luck we switched. It then took 8 tries in the doctors office to finally become pregnant and now we have a beautiful 3 year old boy. My suggestion would be to stick with it just a little longer. We were about to just give up when it finally happened. We were not rich either but having a baby was so important to us that we gave up on other things so we could afford to continue to try. Good luck!!!:)

[ColoradoDad]

Whippetluv, Our experience was with adoption, but some of the principles are the same. We had the hardest time seeing how it could all work out for us to raise a family, but through letting people know what we were wanting to do, and keeping at it, a co-worker wound up introducing us to the birthmother of our son. She was 8 1/4 months pregnant when we met, so we had to move kinda fast :eek: but it was worth every penny and every amount of effort. It can and does happen sometimes when you least expect it, so keep trying, whatever route you take!
Oh, I saw another post of yours... sorry you can't make it on this cruise. :( This will be our first. You had some great pictures of your wedding on board! It was nice to see them! Where are you guys located? Maybe some folks on here have ideas about options you could use in your area... Take care.

[whippetluv]

Thanks everyone! We live in Virginia which is one of the WORST states for gay parents...but at this point I am stuck so I have to live with it.
We are going to a firtility specialist next month who is arranging payments and will take our insurence! Horray! We aren't giving up yet by any means!

[ColoradoDad]

Virginia? You're very brave! :D Not an easy state to be a gay family. I just heard today that someone tried to introduce a bill there that would outlaw unmarried women from receiving fertility treatments! Fortunately, even in Virginia, it was quickly tossed out. Good luck on your treatments - it's very worth it!

[RichandShaun]

My partner and I tried for so long to have our own biological children with the help of three different surrogate mothers, multiple pregnancys but no baby all ending in miscarriage. We adopted both of our children from Guatemala and had NO PROBLEMS and could not be happier. If you have any specific question, feel free to ask.

[anneyates]

Our first son was adopted from Ukraine. We adopted independently. The website is http://ukrainianangels.org/ We are family number 252. My partner Claire did travel with me, along with my mother.

Do a search for single women who have adopted......and single men.....Just a resource to show you in the event that you did not know about international adoptions under 20k.

I wish you luck in your decision.......it is a hard one!

Anne

[K&T Cali]

We adopted both our sons through an organization called Project Cuddle. www.projectcuddle.org It is an organization started by a woman who was tired or seeing babies abandoned in parks, trash cans, etc. She is an amazing woman with an amazing story who has adopted 7 children of her own. Both our sons would not have been abandoned but their birth mothers were unable to care for an additional child. Check out the organization. If you are open to all races and willing to travel anywhere in the United States to pick up a baby it could be a good source for you. GOOD LUCK! :)

[whippetluv]

no...god help us no........
One of our lesbian couple friends lost their kids today. The father who was at one point married to one of the pair sued for custody and won. Now they only get supervised weekends just because they are gay. They are not allowed to take the children into the bedroom (at all!!!). For goodness sake there was no evidence of any abuse at all. The guy involved cheated on his wife....gave sperm to another lesbian couple and has nothing to do with that child...and is not a better parent. The judge told them he didn't want to have to, but VA law said he must but he reccommended that they appeal. I can NOT live here and try to have children at the same time. I canceled my firtility appointment. My partners parents would be happy to take any kids we have if they think they can. :eek: Anyone have a good recomendation on a place to move?

[Kathy]

Hello!
We live in Massachusetts and couldn't be happier. We were leagally married on May 17, 2004 and at least on the state level feel fairly well protected. We have 2 beautiful sons, both concieved with the help of a known donor. Our neighbors, all straight, are super accepting and wonderful. We live pretty close to Boston. If you are considering relocating, I would say move here:)

[whippetluv]

Kathy..can I email you for ideas about housing costs and other ideas for moving? cornflakegirlpony@hotmail.com is my email. Thanks for the help!

[kmoar]

Hi There!
My partner and I live in Portland Oregon and here we have legal 2nd parent adoption. When our son was born I was able to legally adopt him and now have all rights as his legal parent along with my partner. We don't have legal marriage here (Yet!! cross your fingers) but with power of attorney and wills we feel very protected. Portland is a very liberal city and has been named one of the best cities for lesbians in the country by Curve magazine. Plus it is absolutely gorgeous here! So close to the Mountains and the Ocean.
I would highly reccomend it!

[bodecea]

My partner and I are under 30, we have been togeather for nearly 7 years and we desperately want children. We are a lesbian couple so we hopefully won't need a surrigate..but frozen stuff is NOT working. We have tried for well over 2 years with both at home frozen sperm and in the doctors office using interuteren frozen sperm. Nothing is working. We are not rich people (ha! Note the under 30 comment) and we just can't keep spending a 300 to 500 dollars a try with only a 14% at best chance of having kids. So what works? Do we have to end up saving 10 grand (and never going on a cruise again) to do invetro..or does anyone have any hope for other ways to go about this? Its so hard when you are a family making less than 40 grand a year and you just want a child to raise. We can't afford adoption...and fresh sperm (with no future father included) seems impossible. So tell us...what did you do?:confused:


Have you switched donors? We used our first choice for 5 months with no luck and on the 6th month, went to our second choice (first was out)...BAM! Instant preggers.

[ourtribe]

VERMONT
A beautiful state...with civil unions and a supportive and encouraging environment for gay adoptions. We adopted through foster care. An amazing experince for us. One child came to us at 15mo. and the other at birth. We have sometimes felt almost unconfortable with how so many people wanted to "reach out the the gay dads". We also have found an amazing faith community with the Congregational Chruch. Again people would go out of their way to reach out to us. Both our children are baptized. As the saying goes "it takes a village"...we have found that villiage.

[pengwin]

we adopted a biracial child in NY. It was not expensive and If you dont care about the biracial. we didnt care we just wanted a child. If you look on the website of your state for foster kids there are plenty just looking for homes.

[Picfan]

The same thing happen to us when we were trying 5 months nothing. 6th month went wih second choice and bam we were pregnant too. I always say somebody new better than we did.

[MOMMIMI]

My partner and I have just legally adopted our first child here in NY. We were told that it wasn't legal but it wasn't illegal either, we have a great lawyer and he did everything right. We adopted through foster care and have had a good time with it. Foster care adoptions are great for the kids but sometimes not so great for you as a parent, they can be uncertain at times. If I were going to suggest a state to move to though I would say vermont, my partner and I are thinking about moving there ourselves, vermont is very liberal about lots of issues, gay and lesbians being one of them. Good luck with everything.

[Picfan]

Does anyone know if you can adopt a child out of the foster system from a different state than you live in?

[Jan V]

I know a couple who did so, but I think that they worked through an agency in their own state. I'll see if I can get more info.

[Picfan]

We have been thinking about adoption for a couple years now. I was in foster care as a child so I know what these kids go through and I was in a good one. Some of the stories blow your mind to say the least. So if I adopt I want to do so out of the foster care system and I want to get a hard to place child but maybe siblings. Also an older child or children. I put in an application this morning for my partner, being in Florida i will be next to impossable I am assuming. Seems such a shame that all these children want and need homes and can not have them. 1.5 million plus kids are homeless in this country. 30 to 40 percent gay or questioning. Average age is 9. A lot I forget the percent come from the foster care system. 13 kids die on the streets everyday and even more die in the foster system. To me that is very scary.

[2moms4kids]

Hi...regarding your question about adopting from the foster system in a different state...the answer is YES! My partner and I live in Idaho and we adopted a sibling group of 3 that were in foster care in California. We had to get our adoption homestudy done here in Idaho and once that was completed we were free to adopt a child from any state.

We focused on states that allow second parent adoptions because we both wanted to be listed as the adoptive parents - Idaho doesn't allow that :mad: . Our kids were 7, 2 1/2 and 9 months when we brought them home.

Almost every state has their own website listing kids that are available for adoption. So it just takes some time and persistance to find a match.

Good luck with your efforts in expanding your family.

Michelle
Kuna, Idaho

[immikeymcc]

We also adopted three great kids, a sibling group, from CA. We live in VT and had our homestudy done in VT. Our kids had been through a lot and still have some issues related to the foster system. Our oldest was 5 when she came home and had been in 13 homes, the middle girl was 4 and had been in 8 placements and our youngest was 2 and he was in 5 placements. Sometimes together, sometimes seperated.

What a wonderful family we've all become though. It was worth every bump in the road. Watching our kids come to the belief that they are truly staying with us forever is amazing and trying at the same time.

Don't give up, it can happen.

[2moms2kids1cat]

My partner and I had the same dilema.....we tried several times to get pregnant using frozen sperm. Finally, the doctor wanted to do some kind of exploratory procedure to make sure everything was okay. I was sure that everything was so we decided not to continue with the inseminations. My partner approached her brother about becoming our donor, he spoke with his wife and they agreed. This was an ideal situation because our kids have a biological link to both of us. Today, we have two wonderful children - I got the extra weight and stretch marks and she got two kids who look exactly like her. People, who don't know her brother was the donor, can't believe I had anything to do with either kid, biologically.
Maybe one of you has a family member who would be as generous - good luck

[Denise's Sweetheart]

Come to Massachusetts, formerly known as the Bay State, but fondly called the Gay State by us. We have legal marriage (at least for a few more years), we have The South End (Gay, Gay, Gay), Cambridge, Arlington, Northampton (Lesbianvilles) and Jamaica Plain (very diverse mix), we have the Gay Mecca of Provincetown on Cape Cod. Even the suburbs are loaded with Gay families. We have lots of affirming churches and very active grassroots political groups, even the Boston Globe newspaper is very Gay friendly.
My sweetheart and I have been married now for almost two years and would not even consider moving to another state unless our marriage was recognized. So kiss Virginia goodbye and come somewhere where you will be able to raise your family without so much fear. Good luck.

[MommyCheryl]

My suggestion is to do some research and find out which states mandate that insurance companies cover infertility treatments. Some do and you can get most of your IVF procedure paid for that way. (The doc will have to put down a diagnosis like "zero sperm count" or something, but it works.) Anyway, my partner and I tried for 2 1/2 years with IUI before we hit the jackpot -- twin boys via IVF. It's 100 percent worth it to be a parent however you do it -- don't give up! Just find a state that's got laws on your side and go for it. And for God's sake, get out of Virginia!!!!

[spiritualchef]

My partner and I had our first child with a known donor, fresh sperm at home. We have since Foster/ adopt 2 beautiful babies. Good Luck....Oh and it took 6 months to get pregnant with fresh sperm. I reccomend an ovulation kit.

[Special K]

I tried intra-uterine with no luck and even took clomid. I live in California and decided to adopt thru the state. It pretty much cost me nothing and I picked up my son from the hospital, he was 4 days old. It took a little longer for the adoption process to go thru but it was worth the wait.

[cwefamily]

HI everyone...well I am not sure of all the laws in states because I was married to a man yes....and had 7 kids with him...we live in MA but I will tell you there is discrimination everywhere...my girlfriend also was married and had 2 kids.....her ex didn't like the way we disciplined, and took us to court, said we were horrible parents, he has money we don't, so guess who won, also while in court we heard several times, well they chose this lifestyle....finally it was said that our family was to big and her kids would be better off in a mother father enviroment with only 2 siblings....It was awefull and still is because her ex is poisoning the kids about our "lifestyle"......we live in a sick world....I have to say that I have heard that NJ seems to be Gay friendly....
Good luck

[cwefamily]

I also know it is hard to adopt children out of foster care in MA, well at least in the Plymouth MA area...and that is for a straight couple...we have a neighbor who does daycare and has 2 kids of her own, in her daycare she has a foster child who is up for adoption, so she and her husband did everything they were told to, and then at their last apt, the social worker said that their 2 kids age span was to much to put another child into...her kids are 2 and 10...how rediculous is that??? They are a loving family who wanted to adopt this little boy....what we concluded was that they may be discriminating because she was 17 when she had her first child.....I must say that the DSS is rediculous around here, and they all have their own inside rules....Good luck

[Sawyersmith Family]

This is my first time on this blog. I have always hoped to find a venue of this kind.

Let us introduce ourselves. My name is Raymond, and Albert and I have been partnered since 1976, and we have been married since 2003. That year, our son, Wade was born.

Our lives have been filled with love for each and service to others. For professional reasons, Albert and I were an "open secret" to certain family and friends. Then, in 2003, I suffered a heart attack and had a quadruple cardiac bypass graft. Our outing was a marriage out in the open in Toronto, in the same venue, different building, that my parents received their licence decades before.

Last year, while on a routine examination or "stress test", my cardiologist noticed a tumour on my right inguinal node. I am still fighting Stage IV non-Hodgkins lymphoma, although I am mercifully in remission at this time. Our Lord has been kind to two who served Him for many years.

I guess that this is probably too long, other than to say that we are living in the States with both our new and altered careers, and in a Red State as well. The only advantage is that it is a university town and probably the most "liberal" in the state.

Thank you in advance for reading and sharing. Raymond, Albert and Wade.