Apathetic Son....

[Angel Incognito]

Hi all! New to the forum thought I'd just jump right in.

I'm a mom of two children... of them my son, age 12, has been a nightmare when it comes to homework.

For the last several years homework has been a massive bone of contention in our family. This year I threw my hands up and said I am not fighting him on it anymore and put the responsibility of it square on his shoulders.

This morning I met with the school yet again and re-explained my theory of making this all his responsibility. I'm tired of doing all the leg-work for him and him not caring or doing anything.

My son is VERY smart (I'm not saying that b/c I'm in denial either) -- he watches Discovery Channel constantly and retains EVERYTHING -- He loves shows like Myth Busters -- unlike his friends who are watching Spongebob.

He has quite the mind for numbers and dates and things .... intellectually he's most likely the smartest person in the house (myself included).

He just WILL NOT apply himself.

We've tried rewards, punishments (which he never cares about), counseling, the works.

Think leaving him to his own devices is the wrong approach?

[gator14]

I have one of these also, (he's 11, almost 12), so I'm anxiously awaiting responses from experienced parents!! :) Help!

[thompsji]

Hi there. I am now to this. We have two kids 6 + 9. My nine year old son had the same problem. But we have a rule. If he want's to do extra curicular activities. He has to have his home work done. This has worked so far. But it's tough. often he tries to forget his books at school. But we are tough. and stick to the rules. I know it's tough but hang in there. Peace. Thompsji

[TonyOH]

There's no easy answer to this problem, but at the age of 12, I wouldn't suggest leaving him to his own devices. At that age, most of us would like to take the path of least resistance, and if given the choice, we would not have realized our full potential.

I'm sure you've talked with your son about why he is not motivated and asked him about his reasons for not applying himself. It's probably just normal pre-teen stuff. What you can do is further explore those reasons, establish clear timelines and consequences, and stick to them. Engage his teachers/counselors at school in this process.

Also, if homework is an issue, make sure he has a clean, quiet, distraction free space to complete his work. If he works better with music, then that's OK, as long as he gets his work done. If work doesn't get done or he drags it out--take the music away.

I also suggest not putting homework off until after dinner. Have a quick snack when you get home, get the homework done and push dinner back a little bit if necessary. I'd cut off TV, videogames, telephone and any other extras until the work is done.

I suggest really pushing for good work habits now so that when he's in highschool he's ready and not shocked. It's only going to get harder.

Just my thoughts. There's no "right answers."

[scrappy rose]

Hi there,
As an elementary school teacher, I think that if he is capable and has the opportunity, putting the responsibility on his shoulders is a very empowering thing to do. Hopefully his teacher has a reasonable, related & reliable consequence for kids who choose not to do homework. Sometimes the natural/logical consequence is the best way to help kids make different choices.

[dogpawstka]

What jumps out at me is perhaps your son's homework isn't challenging him enough. So, he may find homework to be very boring and a huge waste of time. Try the ABC approach: Antecedent (influencing factors before the behavior), Behavior (not doing homework), Consequences (what is he getting from the consequences? Remember, although the consequences may appear to be negative to onlookers, the consequences may be positive to your son: extra attention, perception of your son to other students, (cool rebel vs. brainy geek)). Also, maybe he is preoccupied with a new love interest. 12 is such a difficult age with the onset of puberty. Good luck!

[neicey]

What a great parent you are...it is the hardest job of all
I would have to agree with TonyOH and dogpawstka
Are there after school programs in your area or
volunteer tutors in your area who can supervise?
You said that he' s been to a counsellor, has he
been screened by a doctor for ADD?
Simply, what does your son tell you when he refuses
to do his homework?
You probably know the answer already, it is just so
frustrating
A parent and child and youth counsellor

[neicey]

Dear Angel Incognito
Just dropped in to see how your son and family was doing. Thinking about you and hoping things have worked out for everyone
Neicey

[Charlie]

Hi all, just thought I would put my two cents in. My oldest is eleven. The last year he has decided also not to do the homework without a fight. So how we fixed the problem was the school dances and desserts. ( I make dessert a show at our home). Since forcing him to do it was not working we turned it around. He had the choice, do the homework or miss out on the extra activities and also had to go to bed when the younger children went to bed unless he could prove he was responsible enough to do the homework. It worked for us after a while. The first time he did not do it after we had this talk he had to skip dessert. It just happened :) that the dessert was chocolate fondue, along with creme brulee. So he got to watch his four siblings eat it and had to sit there and watch. As guilty as I felt it did the job. He did not like missing desserts.
I think for every child it will be different though. I know all our kids have such different personalities and likes and dis likes.

[24601]

Wow...chocolate fondue AND creme brulee! Can I come over to your house?

[MainEac]

Dear Angle Incognito,

I hear you! I'm having the same scenario with my eleven year old son! We get progress reports half way through each quarter. The grades are broken down into classwork, homework, and participation. His class/participation=A's in all and homework grades are in the hopper. My son maintains he never has homework or works and gets it done in class. I have created a non-negotiable mandate....his assignment agenda MUST be initialed by his teachers so that I know exactly what has to be done and he cannot pass his daily work in until he brings it home first to be checked. I also am TRYING not to feed into his negative attitude about the work. He wants me to think like he does (this is so stupid, boring, "I hate this", etc.). I'm trying to maintain a calm, non-chalant attitude about the whole thing. You wouldn't believe what it is that has sparked his interest the most....my own horror stories of homework. (Of course, I embellish a little :) )

Please post again and let us know how things are going. We parents need to support each other. It's especially hard when it is a single parent....I think!