Bullies at School

[WadyPhoto]

Last year our 12-year-old daughter got bullied a lot during her first year in middle school. She was just getting pushed around for being new to the town and not being "as pretty" as all the other girls. My partner and I had words with the principals and guidance coucelors and things got better.

Yesterday she came home and said that school was just alright. Later I found out that some girl, who had seen us at the local basketball game on Saturday, spread around to the whole school how my partner and I were holding hands. First of all...we weren't! Second of all...who cares?

So during the school day a girl just came up to her desk and shoved all her papers off. Then she was walking down the hall and a girl punched her in the arm. Kids are calling her a lesbian and she's not. It just frustrates me. Why are middle school kids so cruel?

Anyone else out there experience things like this? I keep telling her to keep her head up, think of the cruise and just be courageous. Any advice for my 12 year old?

Carrie

[24601]

Carrie,
I totally feel for your daughter. I was (and am!) an overweight kid, so I know all about being on the receiving end of jr. high teasing.

I really think it helps to get her to intellectualize this behavior. Let her know that kids tease other kids because it makes them feel better to put someone else down. When my kids tell me about such events at school, I usually say something like, “Wow, they must really be feeling bad about themselves. If they were happy and content with their own life, they wouldn’t feel the need to make someone else feel bad.”

I also have my kids concentrate on making friends with other kids. The more allies your kid has, the better. It sometimes helps to give advice on how to be a friend as well. For example, I recently told my oldest (almost 11) that everyone loves to talk about themselves. So, asking questions about her friends life, interests, and opinions is a great way to start or strengthen a friendship. (Kids often need to be told things that are obvious to adults!)

I know it doesn’t make the bad behavior go away, but it helps to give kids some coping skills. Also, letting her know that this won’t last forever might help (although I know how time is warped when you are at the center of something like this!).

Best of luck to your daughter.

Marie

[Picfan]

Great advice Marie! I have also found the more you are seen at school and the more involved you are and your kids are the better. Seems they get to know you and your kids and see that the big bad lesbian aint so bad after all.

[SarahLee23]

Carrie,
I am sorry to hear of this! It truly breaks my heaert that kids can be so cruel...I echo Marie's advice, though..the more allies, the better! If you want to talk about it further, please e-mail me...hope all is well with you, and you are staying warm!

Love ya,
Sarah

[WadyPhoto]

Hey guys!
Thanks for all of the advice! Actually, my partner called the bully's mother and had an interesting conversation. Needless to say...things are getting better. We are actually thinking about sending her to boarding school in Kentucky. She actually WANTS to go! Problem...paying for it. Teaching stinks...I need a better paying job.

Thought this was interesting...my partner called the boarding school to get information. She asked if the fact that we were lesbians was a problem. The lady told her that if our daughter was then she couldn't come to the school. BUT...our CHOICE wasn't going to affect her chances of getting in. Choice...ha!

Laters!

[dogpawstka]

It sounds like your daughter's school could really benefit from enacting an academic social program which fosters acceptance and celebrates diversity. Try visiting the ed.gov site for information on such a program. Specifically, there is a manual for teachers, administrators, parents, and children which offers advice on dealing with bullies. I have a ten year old nephew who has Tourette Syndrome and even though we have been successful in getting the school to hold a Tourette in-service and adopt an academic social program specifically for Tourette Syndrome, he still experiences the occassional bullies. Without the school system's efforts however, I'm sure his experience would be much worse!

[twomombooks.com]

We are finding middle school challenging for my son as well, but no direct bullying (luckily). He is hearing lots of gay jokes and I am sure this is a barrier for him to connect and make new friends. But, it did set me off on some research just in case.

I was referred to Teaching Tolerance as a resource for teachers at http://www.tolerance.org/ and it was suggested that I sign the teachers up for the free magazine. Also, COLAGE has a forum for kids where they can email each other and share ideas or miseries.

Do you really want to send her to a uninviting boarding school? I am certain there are others that would welcome you, not just your tuition!

Best wishes to you and your family!

[wigglewomyn]

Thanks for the above information. My son is also in middle school but he had the occasion to be part of direct bullying last year. Unfortunately, he thought he could handle it and we did not learn of it until he tried to commit suicide. Thankfully we got him into therapy immediately and after long months of work, he finally turned around. I don't think that any children should be made to feel that way. I have never felt so helpless in my life as I did that evening when I found out he wanted to commit suicide because, in his words, "why bother to live, the end result is always the same and why not end it now instead of later since I am so miserable now". Even though he assures us he no longer thinks that way, it happened once and I am always afraid it will happen again, especially when things happen at school or when his girlfriend broke up with him.

A sad note to this......the school did not even seem to care; their attitude was kids will be kids. Can you believe that? No one even cared one way or another what my son was going through; all they cared about was if he would have a doctor's excuse when he came back to school and if he would have all his work picked up (I took 10 days off of work and kept him out of school to get immediate daily therapy). His guidance counselor didn't even seem to care. I even phoned to see if I could transfer him to another school and was told there was no room elsewhere.

I am going to look into the information you provided and see if it will be any help to our son.

Thanks again.

[francine]

HEY...I have 3 daughters..my oldest is friends with alot of gay kids in her high school and they seem to like hanging out at our house.ALOT LOL........MY youngest age 9 is not comfortable at all with allowing any of her friends or teachers knowing...My 15 year old stopped living with me when i came out but after getting her on the cruise 2 years ago is now a happy moody average teen living with her mom and partner.In fact we are putting an addition on our house 4 her as i speak..When you tell her to think about the cruise its so true.Our kids need r family more than we do...Colage has a great pen pal program that my 9 year old signed up 4 and talks to a girl her age in california.really special 4 her to see pics of the little girl with her 2 moms thru out the year...Also P TOWN ON FAMILY WEEK is something to look forward to..Have your daughter email my girls they will gladly make her a part of their crew and give her support through out the year if that helps.Just because we are not on the ship we can still support each other ESPECIALLY R KIDS they need each other............They r the future

[Auntie Bren]

Last year our 12-year-old daughter got bullied a lot during her first year in middle school. She was just getting pushed around for being new to the town and not being "as pretty" as all the other girls. My partner and I had words with the principals and guidance coucelors and things got better.

Yesterday she came home and said that school was just alright. Later I found out that some girl, who had seen us at the local basketball game on Saturday, spread around to the whole school how my partner and I were holding hands. First of all...we weren't! Second of all...who cares?

So during the school day a girl just came up to her desk and shoved all her papers off. Then she was walking down the hall and a girl punched her in the arm. Kids are calling her a lesbian and she's not. It just frustrates me. Why are middle school kids so cruel?

Anyone else out there experience things like this? I keep telling her to keep her head up, think of the cruise and just be courageous. Any advice for my 12 year old?

Carrie

I know no one is going to like what I did, but I did it and it worked. There are some bullies that just WON'T stop until you get right back in their face.
So it was with the bully who was harassing my daughter. First we went through all the her life must be awful if she has to bully you, and the ignore her she will go away. She wouldn't go away. My child was hurting and I couldn't stand it. I took her out to our backyard and taught her how to fight.

I then called the principal of the school and informed him that my daughter was going to fight back with my permission and that I had explained to her that she would be expelled from school for fighting so she best make it worth the trouble. He responded with off the record/ you made the right choice I don't think it would stop any other way . . . but that is between you and me and off the record.

My daughter didn't have to fight her, just teaching her how to fight gave her enough confidence to stand up to the girl, and when she did the girl backed away and never bothered her again. I had told my daughter to look at the girl like she was crazy, my father had taught me that no one wants to mess with a crazy person because you don't know what they will do.

At the end of the school year we found out that the bully was being raised by her elderly grandmother because her mother had abandoned her for a young man and they had moved to Hawaii. The Bully was pregnant at 12 years old by her mother's boyfriend. The bully was living in Hell and that is why she was striking out at my daughter. Poor baby her mother had left her for her abuser. I was tempted to fly to Hawaii and beat the crap out of both of them. I didn't, I left it to what goes around comes around. I am sure that Karma has caught up with them by now.

Did I forget to mention this all took place at a private Christian School?

[WadyPhoto]

Wow! What a story!

Well...over the Christmas break my partner and I took it upon ourselves to become friends with Ashlee's bully's mom. My partner talked to her on the phone and then she came over one day! Her mom is actually very nice and we started hanging out! Turns out her mom had actually dated a woman for 2 years! Ha! So now...Ashlee and her bully are like best buds. Ashlee even spent the night at her house like 3 times over break!

Also...Ashlee did get accepted into the boarding school she applied for. Even though she made friends with her biggest enemy...I think this school will help her in a lot of ways...socially, educationally, spiritually and personally. I think the strict discipline and routine there will do wonders for her self responsibility issues and lack of social skills.

Therefore...we are heading to Kentucky on Saturday to drop our 12 year old off at boarding school. It sure is going to be quiet around here.

[dogpawstka]

The national Tourette Syndrome Association has developed an excellent program aimed at educating students about bullying. This program is based on the HBO documentary "I Have Tourette's But Tourette's Doesn't Have Me," (the director of this doc is nominated for a Directors Guild of America Award). The association even includes a Teacher's Guide and instructions. It is an excellent program and can be viewed at http://tsa-usa.org. Also, the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services has additional info on ways to prevent bullying, viewed at: www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/.

[WadyPhoto]

I have watched that show! Ashlee was even watching parts of it with me. I thought it was really well done. It was really touching and I think if there is a kid with tourettes in a class...they should be required to watch that movie so everyone would understand.

[dogpawstka]

I agree!!! The documentary can be adapted for use as an all encompassing anti-bullying program.:D How is Ashlee?

[WadyPhoto]

I just wanted to give an update on our now 13-year-old (Ahh!) who went to boarding school in January...

She just spent the past week at home for Spring Break and I have to say that she is a totally different person. For the better of course! She was so happy for once! She remembered to take her pills. She did her own laundry. She didn't talk as much. She had better manners. She looked great and has trimmed down. She even cleaned our entire kitchen because she got bored!

I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that she found this school. It is so perfect for her. She loves it. I just hope we can afford to keep here there all the way through high school.

[DeborahB]

There are laws now protecting all children no matter how old they are in school from Bullies. Bullies are just sad kids that are acting out at school. It can get bad but remember there are laws now that protect these kids. And things like this can also make a person stonger. I sure wouldnt run and send my child to another school. So many kids get bullied and made fun of. I did becuse I had very big breasts at such a young age. I was teased and mad fun of by the popular girls.I was teased and had a rumor going around by these girls I wore falsies...lol I was just so humiliated but one day I was in the bathroom and they were in there making fun and saying awful things in front of me and I lifted my shirt up and said.." Your just jealous" and walked off. There jaws dropped. They really thought I stuffed...lol Always be proud of who you are, your family and be true to yourself. I didnt have them on my case anymore after that. They were just jealous.

[ourtribe]

WOW!
Auntie, YOU ROCK!

What a story. Thanks for sharing! I too was that kid picked on through middle school and highschool...UGH! Now 30yrs ago it's amazing how the feeling come back...I'm wiping back the tears. I can't tell you how I fear this for my children. Even though they are only 2 & 4 yrs old I still think about HOW WILL I handle this...and not let my unresolved anger interfer with what my child needs from me.:confused:

[MediumMom]

As a teacher of kids entering middle school, I have been tapped into the world of bullying for along time. As the mother of a toddler with 2 moms, I think about how she might be the target of bullying in the future.

I have found www.bullying.org really helpful. “www.bullying.org is a multiple award-winning Web site that was created to help people around the world deal with the issues of bullying and taunting. www.bullying.org is a supportive international community where people can learn that they are NOT alone in being bullied and taunted, that being bullied and taunted is NOT their fault and that they CAN do something positive about it.”

I also find www.teachingtolerance.org an invaluable resource. “Tolerance.org is a principal online destination for people interested in dismantling bigotry and creating, in hate's stead, communities that value diversity.”

Take Care,
Lisa

[scrappykim]

Auntie,

Good for you! Unfortunately, sometimes you have to be prepared to do the 'wrong' thing to do the 'right' thing.

Middle school is just hell...I had a really hard time with it because I'm disabled, was shy, and am smart (horrible combination for that age!). I was also in a small town which didn't take well to 'newbies' as it was, and I was that too (my mother got remarried). So I spent a lot of years being horribly picked on and feeling very frustrated (I somehow always knew it wasn't my fault, I was different, it wouldn't always be that way, blah blah blah).

I didn't get my 'guts' until I was a senior in high school...again, actually having a good circle of friends at that point and feeling better about myself. It turned out that in my 'dummy science' class (just needed it for the credit to graduate) we had to do a talk about something related to science. I chose genetics since that meant no prep work :) In any event, I talked about genetic inheritance, but that not all problems came from a family history (dominant gene mutuation, which was my case). The class was filled with a ton of marginal students and a couple 'smarties' like me (for the class credit), and one of the kids who was meanest to me for years asked me "if it hurt" (I have a rare skin problem). Somehow, my teenage cockiness came out and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Yes, it does, not all the time, but it does." (in truth, it's like having a bad back, sometimes it hurts like hell, some not at all, and is mostly an annoyance). Then that went into a quick info session about my skin problem. That kid NEVER bothered me again and was actually (gasp!) pleasant to me afterward for years (we used to run into each other from time to time).

So, aside from all the great advice you've received so far, one thing I'd suggest when it comes to your kids is to give them the confidence to speak the truth. For those kids getting gay/lesbian jokes, have them say, yes, I do have 2 moms and it's great! Most bullying, as we all know, comes from fear and inferiority complexes, so addressing that in a confident way can diffuse the issue.

[SFfamily]

I know I am very lucky to have my daughter in an excellent public school here in San Francisco. April is pride month for San Francisco Unified School District. Last year, I read the book How My Family Came to Be: Daddy, Papa and Me by Andrew R. Aldrich, and Mike Motz. At first, it felt weird to formally “come out” in my daughter’s kindergarten class; even though everyone knew that our daughter had two dads. This year I think I will read And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell, and Justin Richardson.

I helped to found our school’s diversity committee. It is made up of parents, faculty and staff. Our objective is to insure that our school remains a safe place for our children to be themselves and express their feelings. Last year, the whole school learned about I statements. We also used “That’s a Family” (http://www.womedia.org/ ) video and curriculum. The committee has focused not only on diversity issues about LGBT individuals, and various family types, but also on different religious traditions, ethnicity and race, physical differences, and learning differences. With an emphasis on safety, and building children’s self-esteem, much of what we do acts as an anti-bullying program.

I know at schools use Tribes (http://www.tribes.com/) and other Tribes like programs. Tribes is a program designed to “reduce student violence, conflict, drug and alcohol use, absenteeism, poor achievement, etc., educators and parents now agree, it creates a positive school or classroom environment is the most effective way to improve behavior and learning. I am sure that many PTAs and principles would welcome a parent willing to help organize programs to help improve the learning environment, and implement an “anti-bullying” program.

Do not be afraid to reach out to other parents whose children face their own issues. For example on our diversity committee, we have a Muslim mother who wears traditional clothes. She does not want her son for feel “less than” because of his family’s faith. Another committee member is a straight man from Shi Lanka (he looks like a 6’2” African American). He wears traditional garb from time to time. He regularly rides his motorcycle to school, and sports a nose piercing and multiple ear piercing, and has a pink Hello Kitty keychain (his favorite color is hot pink).

I do not want to sound preachy. I know my situation is wonderful, and the one you face is definitely challenging. The other thing that builds credibility and support of other parents, faculty and staff, is being an involved parent, especially when it comes to fundraisers. I have help out with our school’s silent auction, Halloween carnival, and in the classroom as well.

One lesson I learned from the first rFamily cruise was the need for parents to come out to their child’s teacher at the beginning of each year (appropriate for elementary school). It breaks the water for further discussions, helps bridge some of the uncomfortable feelings the teacher might have, and demonstrates your love and commitment to your child. We give our daughter’s teacher our cell phone numbers, work numbers and home, and invited her to call us anytime.

My heart goes out to you and your kids. I can only imagine how difficult things must be at times. I know that the cruse offers such a wonderful supportive time for families to have fun and just be themselves. If I can answer any questions, I would certainly welcome the opportunity.

Hugs