Canadian lesbian couple looking for pregnancy/ adoption advice.

[bellasmomz]

Hello Everyone,

I've read through some of the other threads about difficulties with pregnancy and adoption but as most of the posts are US based I was hoping to get any insight into Canadian experiences. Although the biology is the same :) laws and resources are different.

So far we've read every book available and have started in on the pre-natal vitamins and charting. I also went to the doctor to get referrals to local fertility clinics but we've been waiting for our initial appointment for 4 months!

Our first wish is to have a biological child, but if it is not meant to be we are open to and excited about the possibility of adoption (read all of those books too!) If you have tips or experiences (good or bad), with any agencies please share.

We've considered using a known donor, but don't know who it could be and are worried about future custody issues even with legal contracts. But shopping for sperm seems daunting kind of separate from the loving relationship we have.

Is it better to start with DI or go straight to IVF? What are your experiences with the Canadian medical system and extended medical plans?

Do any of you have any advice or experiences you'd be willing to share? We have amazing and supportive friends and family but do not know anyone else who has gone through this and are feeling frustrated and isolated.

We would love to hear from you,
Bellasmomz

[shargo]

Hi Bellasmomz,
I have some experience with the regional fertility program in Calgary, but with health care being provincial I'm not too sure how this would compare with BC. I found that the fertility medication and sperm was an out of pocket expense not covered by health care. Of course the office visits were covered by healthcare. You may want to have a look at the web site because it offers a lot of information. www.regionalfertilityprogram.ca

I think you need to look at your personal factors to know what is the best way to go for you. My opinion is that if you are young (under 30) and have no known fertility issues then IUI is the least expensive. As current as two years ago my clinic would not work with you if you had a known donor who was not going to be a legal guardian. You can find information on line about some issues Canadians have found with donors who decide at a later time that they want to be involved. I recall a Montreal case that had a known donor who attempted to obtain guardianship/custody.

If you are older or have difficulty with tracking your cycle I would go to IVF. It is expensive but you can quickly spend a lot of money with IUI with little progress.

Choosing the donor is an odd experience and I was surprised how difficult this was but once we made a decision it just felt right. The clinic directed us to a couple of donor lists which helped to narrow it down. www.repromed.ca being one. We (Canadians) do not seem to have as many options as the US because some donors do not qualify in Canada when they do in the US.

Having support is key because it can be a long and frustrating process. The wait to get into the clinic was 6 months, then you complete some tests to make sure everything is working. I think you may avoid some delays because you are already charting and will have a good idea of ovulation. I can tell you that using the ovulation testing kits is an art, but maybe that was just a challenge for me.

Hope that has been helpful.

[Ryan&Chance]

Hello,

I know you were looking for advice from people who lived in Canada, but I wanted to share some information that I thought would be helpful. My partner and I decided against a known donor due to the fact that it opens the door to too many unknowns from the donor. Sexual reponsibility, being a promary one, but also, the donor clinics do extensive tests to ensure the quality of the donor sperm. Also, you never know if the donor will have a change of heart down the road and want shared custody. We were working with a friend of ours and all of a sudden he felt he should be able to share his "Wicka" religion with the prospective child. Yikes!!! We used the California Cryobank and the choices were wide open. We each reviewed the pool of donors and picked our top 4. We compared the choices and one of them made it on both of our lists. We chose that one and now have two beautiful children (daughter 3, son 16 months). We did IUI and Janis got pregnant on the second try. We did use the ovulation sticks and they worked well for us. We wasted a good many getting used to them, but after about two months, we got it down to a science and it helped us pick the right time to contact the doctor. The cost was under $1,500 for the sperm, ovulation kits, clomid, and doctors visits. Very resonable in our minds.

I hope this helps some. If you are going on the March cruise, we will see you there.

Janis and Gayle

[ColoradoDad]

Please don't count out a known donor just yet. I know many donor dads and lesbian couples with kids who have strong fufilling relationships with each other, know exactly what the agreements they made were, and what the boundaries are when it comes to the legal aspects. The families I know have had wonderful experiences and the donor dads are very respectful of their role in the lives of the children. Of course it all comes down to finding someone you trust and are comfortable with, and someone who agrees to the terms you and your partner set forth.

I'm sure you know that there are pros and cons to every situation. In our adoption, we of course had worries the birthmother would change her mind, but for us, it worked out great. Some lesbian couples we know didn't want to go the route of an anonymous donor because of the lack of personal knowledge of the donor and the possible existance of multiple siblings to their child. Ultimately it comes down to what you both feel most comfortable with, but since the other replies were cautioning against known donors, I thought I'd share my experiences about situations like that which have worked out really well for everyone involved. Good luck!