Muliti-racial families: seeking input!

[nicejewishboy]

Hi all,

Hoping there might be some other parents out there that could share their experiences with me regarding adopting children from different ethnic backgrounds. My partner and I have a 17 month old son who is biracial (white/AfAm). We're considering having a second child, and a very strong potential adoption situation just happened to land in our laps. This issue? The potential birthmom reports that the child she is carrying is Caucasian. Both my partner and I are white. We feel it's a less-than-ideal situation for our son if we adopt a child that's Caucasian, as that would essentially make him the only person of color in our family. On the other hand, it took us four years of waiting to adopt him, and who knows if we'll have any success adopting again if we pass on this possibility, and narrow our parameters to only African American or biracial children.

Generally speaking, our life experiences have given us a relatively good grasp of the issues that our son will face growing up as a person of color. We're good at talking about race, and about feelings in general, so I think we would be able to recognize and address most situations as they arise. On the other hand, he's going to face a lot of situations that will be out of our hands, and possibily out of our awareness, particularly as he gets into adolescence. I think I’m pretty focused on the potential pitfalls, so I’m curious if there are any parents out there that have been in a similar situation, and feel that things have worked out well. I’m particularly interested in hearing about the relationship bonds between the children in a scenario like this, and how the kids have managed issues of identity and self-concept.

I'd also love to hear from teens who have one or more siblings from a different ethnic background, and the impact and meaning that has had in their lives.

Thanks for your input!

[2moms4kids]

Hello!

Very thought provoking questions. Our kids are pretty young, but I thought I would add our perspective anyway. My partner and I are caucasian, we have 3 african-american kids (2 girls and a boy) and our youngest son is technically bi-racial, but looks very, very caucasian. I wonder sometimes if he is really bi-racial, but the birthmom said he was and we have no proof otherwise so that is that.

Our kids are 11, 6, 4 and 2 1/2. The oldest three are a sibling group and honestly I have worried more about the fact that they have a blood connection and the younger one doesn't than the fact that the youngest looks so "white" and the older three are very dark.

Anyway, so far having one child that appears to be of a different race than the others has not been a problem. Our 6 year old proudly announced one day that he and his little brother must be twins because they have the same shaped nose, same ears that stick out a little and they each have their ear pierced. He tells me all the time that when they grow up I won't even be able to tell them apart. Of course I say "I'll bet you are right"...it makes me smile. Our 6 year old knows he is black and that is brother is much lighter than he is, but he just doesn't see it as an issue. To him they still must be twins because they have some similar features.

All four of our kids are very bonded to each other and color is just not an issue to them. I am not naive enough to think that it will never become an issue, but right now it just isn't a problem. I do worry about what might happen as the kids get older. Will my older three be faced with racisim and predjudice while my youngest is not because he is so light skinned? How will that effect their sibling bonds and the way they relate to each other? I cannot answer those questions.

Only time will tell what happens. I certainly hope my kids will not let other people's predjudice dictate how they feel about each other as they grow up. They are family - no matter what anyone else might say or think.

I wish you luck on your journey. I believe everything happens for a reason and you will get just the child you are meant to have. Having 2 children of different races may be a challenge at times (or maybe not), but you will be raising two people who will grow to see that color does not determine what makes a family and that will make the world a better place.

Take care,

Michelle

[Susan]

Michelle-

Amen to you my sister! You brought tears to my eyes w/ your interpretation of truly what a family unit is. I am in a bi-racial relationship w/ children involved. We have mixed brothers and sisters, cousins, friends, gay and straight, but yet we are a family. Of course w/ society being as it is, we will all have issues of one kind or another. But as a true family you stick together and stay strong. "United we stand, divided we fall." Hopefully all of our children will see a different world when they become our age. God Bless you and your family and continue to change the world.

All the best!
Susan

[Kim73]

Hey Michelle! You made me cry!!!! That was beautiful - thank you!

[lisep]

My family has three boys, a biracial teenager (14 1/2 yrs) conceived by me ( a caucasian woman), and two little boys adopted, one 3 1/2, and one 2 years old. The three year old was supposed to be a biracial boy, but in the end is a caucasian boy with blond hair and blue eyes. The other child came to us at the last minute when turned down by another family and is bi-racial (african american and caucasian). My two little guys love each other, and their big brother. My oldest son has experienced no more hardship than is typical, he explains who his little brothers are, who his mothers are and that is that. The little ones are loved by all the teenage boys that come to the house. A family is a family created through love, and when we were offered the opportunity to adopt our babies we felt that they had chosen us, as the wait was long with many ups and downs. It must have been meant to be...
Our boys don't yet see the color, only my blondie trying to pick his hair like his big brother!
All will be fine...follow your heart.

Good luck.

[nicejewishboy]

Thanks so much, everyone, for your thoughtful answers. It's been really helpful to us in clarifying our thinking about this. The more I talk to people, the more I realize how impossible it is to plan adopted families based on these sorts of criteria. It's folly to think that anyone can have kids that won't have hardships to face. I think it's just our jobs as parents to do our best to give them the tools they need to meet life's challenges head-on.

We're feeling really excited -- and incredibly scared! -- about adding on to our family. Things are so good and so easy now with our 17 month old, I feel like we're tempting fate by even contemplating a second child! But I gather that too is a pretty common fear, so I guess only time will tell.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

[TarheelDonna]

Hats off to your family. We are also from NC (Western part near Asheville). Remember families made up of all kinds. Be glad your family has the opportunity to grow. We are only beginning our adoption paperwork in order to adopt in the future. Maybe someday we will experience the same feelings.

Good Luck!

[Tina-cious.com]

Well, our house is the epitome of "mixed". I am portuguese and cape verdian (I have a caramel skintone), our 18 year old daughter (mine biologically) is half me and half black (looks black), our 14 year old son (also mine biologically) is half me and 1/4 irish 1/4 black (could pass for white) and my wife is french canadian.

We are the rainbow.

I don't think you should base your decision on the race of the child (while I think it's great that you've been targeting minority children who usually have no chance) but I think in your effort to be inclusive and helpful you're making race too big an issue.

Yes, there are hassles that come with any race but I think put that much weight on the child's race (as in deciding whether or not to do it) is a huge slipperly slope.

What's important is that you are going to save a child from having no one. My daughter is the darkest skinned person in the house and IDs as black... no one else does. And she is very secure in her self-identification.

That's my two cents. :D

Good luck!

[cebii]

Our household is truly mixed - my wife and I are white, we have teens/young adults who are of Mexican, Puerto Rican, white and multi-racial backgrounds. My granddaughter is half Black, 1/4 white and 1/4 Mexican. Her father is Black and is around all the time. My three year old twins are black. Race is not an issue or something we talk much about in our family, but we bring it up on purpose, sometimes, especially with the little ones. They are going to start getting questions in public, probably within the next year or so, and we want them to be confident, just as they are with having two mommies.

We belong to a local multi-racial adoption group that helps a lot with understanding cultural differences, especially for the twins who were newborns when we got them. We learned that if you don't introduce the culture of their race to them, they can have more difficulty fitting in at school. We are also lucky to have older siblings to help them along.

If you aren't already in one, look for a group like ours. It's called Parenting Across Color. You can find books to read and people with the same questions as you have.