Hurtful Remark from a Family Member

[Special K]

What do you do when a family member makes a remark to another family member regarding your adopted Child. I have a baby boy and I was told that my brother said "Oh he is a cute baby but he is really not blood related" I am so hurt and not sure what to do. My family totally accepts me being gay and was very supportive of me when I got my son, he is only 7months old. I neve want him to feel singled out or different. I am not sure if my brother is just jealous of my new baby or if he really feels this way. Any advice?

[Crazy aka Cheryl]

What do you do when a family member makes a remark to another family member regarding your adopted Child. I have a baby boy and I was told that my brother said "Oh he is a cute baby but he is really not blood related" I am so hurt and not sure what to do. My family totally accepts me being gay and was very supportive of me when I got my son, he is only 7months old. I neve want him to feel singled out or different. I am not sure if my brother is just jealous of my new baby or if he really feels this way. Any advice?

Dear Special K,
When you see your brother. You take him aside and tell him HOW hearing what he said made you feel.
You tell your son as needed, if it ever gets to his ears
HE INDEED IS SPECIAL because you picked him.
That he was your gift from god.That blood is only one way a FAMILY is made.
Families are made of LOVE.
Crazy

[ourtribe]

Dear Special K,

You rock...and congrats on YOUR child. Adoption, isn't it awesome! The love that we discover in our heart which pours one way into that amazing gift that we have in our arms...just incredible. Having said that, I never thought I'd be a parent. I am a gay male - found an awesome partner - but to make babies? Thought "never me". Well our relationship and the road we were sharing lead to wanting "a family". That also being said...I would NEVER have adopted. I had all these ugly thoughts about these "poor damaged children". I'm actually embarrassed to admit my thoughts and prejudice on the whole thing. Again it was GOD's will that our path pointed clearly to this avenue. If we wanted Children this was the way - for US. And so here we are with the most beautiful children. Our daughter 5 and son 3...and I can't imagine that I could had EVER created anything more perfect. I often forget that they are adopted because my heart does not compute that word. THEY ARE MY CHILDREN...of which GOD has loaned me time with. Simple as that...simple isn't it! Really,...but not always to those around us. They haven't necessarily experienced the growth the WE'VE evolved to, that our life journey has blessed us with. We need to be patient with them and by example and maybe a few "sharing" conversations - help them along to where WE ARE!.
Again, WOW! Enjoy your journey! ;)

[Picfan]

There is a book of poems called Perspectives From A Grafted Tree http://www.amazon.com/Perspectives-Grafted-Tree-Thoughts-Touched/dp/0960950400 it is so good. It shows all perspectives of adoption. I was adopted as an infant and struggled with it my whole life for very many different reasons. I could write a book with my story. LOL Anyway I ended up in a group home when I was about 15. The case worker there gave me this book to read. It was very helpful. It is great for anyone that plays any part in the adoption process.
My adoptive Mother has made comments as well, I know the hurt they can cause. Nip it in the bud.

[sartek]

Greetings Special K,

I'm liking your screen name. It was my favorite cereal when I was a kid. LOL - it warms my heart!

Everything that has been said here I agree with. And here's what I'm thinking, which is similar to their statements. It seems like your brother just hasn't come around to thinking of your son as his nephew, yet. I saw Ellen Burstyn on The View yesterday. She had looked up the word "Mother" and pointed out that the first definition is a verb. So her conclusion is that you do the verb and then become the noun. It almost seems like your brother might need to perform the activities of being an uncle and will then become your son's uncle emotionally. Just a thought. Maybe I'm clearly not even in the same ball park playing the same game as everyone else, so just know I am randomly thinking.

post with you later,

sartek

[Upstate]

What do you do when a family member makes a remark to another family member regarding your adopted Child. I have a baby boy and I was told that my brother said "Oh he is a cute baby but he is really not blood related" I am so hurt and not sure what to do. My family totally accepts me being gay and was very supportive of me when I got my son, he is only 7months old. I neve want him to feel singled out or different. I am not sure if my brother is just jealous of my new baby or if he really feels this way. Any advice?

7 months old... I think you have bigger fish to fry. Don't make this about yourself as it has nothing to do with you. I think your hurt is magnifying the perceived threat to your child. No one can tell you how to respond to your brother as no one knows him as you do. Your a parent now...be strong, have perspective, and make your decisions your own...as you probably already know what to do.

Congrats on the ankle biter.

P.S. Your a gay father...your son at some point will feel different...and if he's the only boy with a gay father in any situation...he will be singular. Toughen up. (In a nice way)

[cebii]

My wife and I live our lives as if nothing is different about our family, and the vast majority of those we encounter respond the same. If you talk to your brother, do it with confidence that he has the problem, not you. I would make it short, sweet and calm - Look, I'd rather not have any problems, but these are my kids and they are part of my family. Don't treat them as though they don't belong. It's important to me.

Then leave it.

[heterosexualmommy]

What do you do when a family member makes a remark to another family member regarding your adopted Child. I have a baby boy and I was told that my brother said "Oh he is a cute baby but he is really not blood related" I am so hurt and not sure what to do. My family totally accepts me being gay and was very supportive of me when I got my son, he is only 7months old. I neve want him to feel singled out or different. I am not sure if my brother is just jealous of my new baby or if he really feels this way. Any advice?

Hi Special K,

My female mother and male father had the same problem more than forty years ago when they adopted me, and two years later when they adopted the baby girl who is my adopted sister. A member of my dad's family made similar comments at a wedding reception many years ago. You're child is not going to feel singled out or hurt in any way, because you are undoubtedly teaching your child that he was loved twice: once by the parents whose biological elements summoned him into existence, and second, by you.
It is a privilege to be chosen. Anyone can love a child who is his own biological bi-product,but an adopted child is born into royalty because he is a member of a elite group resulting from a "choice". You went to great lengths to have what others take for granted.

When my great aunt summoned "blood relatives" for a family photo and excluded my sister and I, my father quickly reminded her that we were the only relatives who weren't punished with the gene for big noses!

[NYCMOMS]

I usually tell them to go boink themselves!! But this might not work.....just let go..and move on....its not easy ..but its not worth the stress...

[cwefamily]

HI Special K....
I think it is great that you have adopted....and I understand from both ways...I am an adopted child, well adult now... I am not sure if anyone in my familly ever said things about my brother and I being adopted....BUT I do have to tell you I have said on my occasion that I hated my parents and I wanted to find my real ones, and I often say oh thank goodness I have a different blood line, well when I was a child, I am 33now. I struggled with being adopted for a long time, just recently have I been okay with it. I always felt different and I didn't fit in with my family, it was a hard struggle and honestly I have alot of respect for people who adopt, because they usually have an unconditional love that NO ONE else has....don't worry about what others think, but do let your brother know how much it hurt you, then move on because there will be many battles out there, and bigger ones...Always let your child know that you adopted him because of the love you have for him, let him know how special he is, that is very important...
Good luck...